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Shia Straights

02 June 2016 | Ross Jones

Shia LaBeouf is travelling across the US.

The actor – known as much for his erratic behaviour and third-rate performance art as is he is for those movies involving the CGI Hasbro toys – is hitchhiking. But in a move totally befitting his character, he’s posting his coordinates online and inviting his fans, or, it would seem, just any and all random people that happen to turn up, to drive him. 

It’s certainly a different approach. But how can this end well? Has Shia not given a single thought to the type of person willing to pick him up?

I mean, America’s a big country and there are a lot of weirdos out there.

And what happens if the person that turns up is a stone-cold Norman Bates-type? Do you shun the lift, and risk angering some pallid shut-in who’s ventured outside of his parents’ basement for the first-time in months – maybe years – and driven a few hours into the unknown to drive you to where you want to go?

Is that the sort of person you want to slight? Is it not just better to climb in, sing along to Barbara Streisand showtunes and compliment the colours of his mother’s dress, maybe mention how well it fits around the hips.

There are a lot of variables. And quite a bit to worry about.

I can’t help but worry that it’ll all end badly. That someday soon I’ll be informed by a Facebook status to turn on the news because some psychopath has stumbled into a McDonalds wearing Shia LaBeouf’s head as a hat, waving a pistol and threating death to those that don’t believe that the world’s governments are under the control of a secret society of Lizard-Human hybrids that feast on the poor.

It’s fair to say that I’m a little worried about Shia.

Here’s a guy always in the headlines for the wrong reasons. A guy who collects bad PR in much the same way Leonardo DiCaprio collects Victoria Secrets models. Or Bill Cosby attracts sexual abuse claims.

I’m hoping all goes well for him on his trip. I’m hoping he makes it to where he’s going. I hope he gets there alive! And, if he’s ever asked, I’m hoping that he’s a good enough actor to convince his driver that he does believe in the big Lizard conspiracy.