PornHub is gonna stick it to obesity.
Yes, you read that right.
PornHub, the website of gangbangs, footjobs and dodgy amateur footage of unemployed people having sex round the back of a Burger King in Swindon, is concerned about the nations ever-expanding waistline.
So concerned in fact, that its decided to release a game-based fitness program.
The problem, as PornHub sees it, is that we don’t move enough. We’re all too busy for gyms or running or any other types of general fitness (the website is taking some of the responsibility for our plight, explaining that its “huge offering of adult content keeps users glued to their seats for longer” – I’m shaking my head, a mixture of disgust and approval of the use of the word glue). But our sloth-like lifestyles are yet to interfere with our appetite for sex. And sex is good for your health.
So PornHub is bringing you “BangFit” (of course it’s called that). And it’s sure to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “work it in and work it out”.
How does it work? Well, you download the app, choose a “sexercise routine”, attach your smartphone to the official BangFit band (it’s an 80s-style bumbag) and coordinate your moves to the instructions on screen. You can also upload your scores to social media. Like a dirty version of the Wii-Fit.
PornHub has gone as far as to produce a three-minute advert promoting BangFit. It’s a surreal video, featuring two cartoon Boogie Nights-types confronted with the problems of modern life in a forever 80s setting (all the big players make an appearance: synth-heavy music, Hawaiian shirts and handlebar moustaches). It's hypnotic (I’m not proud to say I’ve watched it three times, and thought about it in some detail). It manages to be weird and wonderful and creepy all at once.
So, yeah BangFit. That’s what’s gonna stop this sugar-train from carrying us all into late onset diabetes and an early grave. Take that, George Osborne, and your sugar tax. This is how it’s done, son.
PornHub announced that the product will be available soon (apparently it’s in beta).
I don’t know about that. I think this is all a PR stunt. A very well thought-out, mildly (incredibly) absurd marketing gimmick designed to click-bait and get people like me to write 500 words on BangFit as if this were in any way a serious response to tackling the rise in obesity.
Maybe it’s just a good way for them to stick out in a very, very crowded space. I mean, I don’t know how much you use the internet but it’s basically 90% porn, 10% everything else.
I’m hoping it is all PR gimmick. The last thing anybody needs is a Facebook timeline full of their friends BangFit scores. Or for an app to tell you you’re doing it wrong!